Yesterday I emailed my Dad.

Just seeing that typed there makes my heart race a little and I still haven’t quite decided if it was the right thing to do or not. We haven’t spoken in over 12 years so it’s a pretty significant event.

I don’t even really know where the impulse to contact him came from, it isn’t something I have been thinking about or agonising over for a long time, I was just lying in bed when it occurred to me that it was time…

The last time I saw him I was 17 years old and he was putting me on a plane in Singapore.. well, actually that isn’t entirely true. The last time I saw him was about a year ago when I was on an escalator in Sydney and he was standing a foot away from the top of it, talking on his mobile phone. I’ve never felt so terrified in my life as I was in that moment, with the escalator moving closer and closer towards him even though I was willing it with every fibre of my body to go the other way.. my life was in slow motion that day. He didn’t see me then though, so as far as he is concerned the last time I saw him was 12 years ago when he was putting me on a plane to Sydney.

The story of my Dad and I is a long and tortured one, and since I sent that email yesterday in the spirit of moving on, I won’t go into details. Needless to say, I’m really afraid of where we go from here and of what this might bring up for me in terms of fears and hidden childhood issues. I wonder how he will feel about the fact that I’m a married woman, or how he feels about the fact that I didn’t go to my own brothers wedding simply because I couldn’t bear to be in the same room as him. For that matter, I wonder if he will even reply.

I don’t even really know what to hope for, the idea of seeing him terrifies me to my core, even the thought of hearing his voice on the other end of the phone makes me panic a little. Am I hoping for reconciliation? Or just closure? I don’t know but either way, the small act of hitting send on that email was something really significant for me and I thought it was worth a blog mention.